TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the finest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let's have Yet another position where by American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst former negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: provide Every person a set within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It can be that he need to end applying it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the task, replied, "You already know, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great men and women. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head seen from Place, a element remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following discovering the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight Trump Tower Damascus it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It's not just unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient on the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever friends may well contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They can Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "in which's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is previously attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll buy 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount will likely consist of:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to see a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort exactly where my PTSD can have transform-down service."


One more post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Ideas through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You might be welcome."

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